every second i look up at the sky ...

everytime i look up at the sky and wonder how beautiful and amazing the world and people could be.. i have seen more and learned more like any typical girl would.. i seen things that many people never seen.. i have faced many problems that none of my friends probably never faced before... who knows... -sigh-

the thoughts are floating in my head .. telling me i would make it and see the beautiful world.. having the dream that my family will one day support me.. and one day encourage me... on doing the best i can... one day... i could see them sitting on the chairs .. and watching me graduate college .. i want to see it all... so bad... i want that... and i will believe that as well... but sometimes i feel like i am slipping... into... something that makes me out of courage and not strong enough to care for myself anymore... my own independence.. -sigh-.. i don't know anymore... i guess.. right now.. i really need someone close to me that i could talk to with my feelings... and listen to them... and be mature about what i am saying... -sigh-... but sometimes the people i talk to and telling my feelings to...they don't really care... they are just there... they don't give a dam about what happens.. i know they have their own problems.. so what is the point... i want at least one friend that could make me feel special inside really special for once.... i don't care that all my friends all at once is telling me "i love you Jenny!" and i don't care about that crap i just want a single friend that could understand me... and actually see the reason why i "could" be special.. -sigh-..

Crystal this does not include you.. lol you know you always makes me feel special (: .. but you are my cousin.. i want at a least a friend... lol XD so don't worry (;

-sigh- ..... when will that day come?... i always treat my friends the way the wanted to be treated.. i make them feel special.. and i actually do make them "feel" that way... but when will that happen to me?.. -sigh-.. i don't know..

i will break down soon...

yes yes... i will soon.. i don't know quite yet... i keep acting like its okay everyday .. i smile, i laugh, i play around like nothing is bothering me.. i am holding in more and more of me every second that i am still living... -sigh- .. more and more the person i care about is hurting and i don't want to do anything about it cause i don't really care anymore .. because.. i gave up on him.. :P but i just still care and worry for him is because.. i know he could do a lot of troubling stuff .. >.< .. but besides that .. i have other things that are on my mind... the Maria i know is really trying to become something she is not... -sigh- slowly everyone around me is changing... i wonder one day i will change to.. to someone really dark.. and will never speak out who she really is.. all i will do is put up a happy face and i am done.. simple right?.. lol.. but yeah... slowly i am turning away.. to somewhere that no one [except certain that care] can see where i am turning to .. slowly... each day... i will still be me.. but the true me is still hidden from everyone..

waiting... for a day till someone stay by me.. and won't change a single thing... and continue being with... just one day... there is someone that is like that....

wow..

Today i was pretty sad somehow... i don't know why... but then a while later i went on my laptop to go check my facebook and then there it was .. my best guy friend was single with my friend i was like o.o... i can't believe this.. i was somewhat sad ... i don't know i was but then again i didn't really care... awkward much?.. well that was about it :P i hope...