Everyday in life...

More and more in my life, that I know that a lot of people will disappear out from my life. It really sucks knowing that I can't smile like I always do when I was a baby. Crying for no reason. It really sucks.. I know my life isn't worst then others. But I just can't stand it. "It really hurts really bad!!" that's what I always been saying to myself. I keep yelling out my mom for help, I always say "mom!! it hurts really bad! please help me get rid of this pain!" I cry to myself saying those quotes to myself. I don't want this, even my cousin he change so badly that I can't recognize him anymore. I don't want to loose him either. Everyone that use to be so important to me, is going further away from me. "Why?" the answer that always pops up. More and more that I want to keep a journal beside me and write everything down, that is happening to my life. But every time I try to, I can't. I can't pick up the pencil and write my thoughts. It hurt so bad that I just forget about writing it down, and just hold it in and type every thing here. Does anyone see the pain I am in? really anyone?... please.. I know that not many people have the same exact problem I am having. But well at least they understand.. but do they understand it clearly?.. Later on in life I figured when I take down another road, it will be easier, but it wasn't it was harder. I said to myself so many times that, I will never see anyone that I love past away in front of me. But look where I am at now. Death is every where in front of me. Why?! I don't want to see it anymore. But when I tell someone this, they don't care. They won't listen, it hurt so bad enough. Why can't I just die, I know they wouldn't care a bit. Knowing the people that were very close to me, and when they are in trouble I am always there. But when I need something, they are not there. It hurts... really bad. The tears I am crying mean nothing to anyone. Every tear I shed resemble something. But every time I cry, all they tell me is "stop crying" ;"aww don't cry" , I heard that enough. No one would understand. I try explaining, but all I get back is. They understand. But do they really understand though?. I don't want to do anything no more. I try everything to get me busy and join a lot of clubs, so I could get away from these thoughts. But I end up thinking about it more. I really want to do everything on my own. Everything... I don't want a hand.. when I do they always let go at the end. No one can't hold on to me forever.